If you are one of the people that got pregnant after the first try…you are lucky. And if it just happens easy for you, you are lucky. You don’t even know how lucky you are. I know, I know…you tell your friend that is struggling with infertility that “you understand” and how “sorry” you feel for her. But you don’t know.
I spent a good part of my life trying to NOT get pregnant. I was great at it too. Never really had a “scare”, I was rocking the world of safe sex! High five for me! But then the day came that I wanted to have a baby…and come to find out, I was better at NOT getting pregnant then actually getting pregnant.
My husband and I got married in November and by June, we were ready to start “trying”. My mother had always warned me that we (my family) were a fertile bunch. “Watch out Chris, if someone slaps you on the ass too hard you will get pregnant” I swear, she used to say this! So I genuinely thought that I would get pregnant right away. I stopped taking my birth control and we proceeded to “try”. The first month went by, not pregnant. Then the second, and the third…still no positive pregnancy test. Maybe we weren’t “trying” correctly. So, as is my nature, I became obsessed with how to get pregnant. I read every blog, every article, and started following all the “rules” to get pregnant. Still nothing. Meanwhile, everyone I knew was getting pregnant. Seriously, everyone…all of them, getting pregnant. Do you know how hard it is to smile and tell someone congratulations on their joyful news when all you want to do is run to the bathroom and cry. I can’t say that I didn’t do the later more than a few times. I was really excited for them, I was just really sad for myself.
I felt like a failure, like I was letting my husband down. All I ever wanted was a family. I wanted children, I wanted soccer games and cub scouts…and it wasn’t happening. I was a failure. My body was letting me down.
One morning I wasn’t feeling so great and had the worst pains in my side. They were crippling. I was crying and afraid. The thought of a miscarriage crossed my mind. We rushed to the OBGYN’s office and they did an ultrasound. It was a cyst. A cyst the size of a grapefruit and it had ruptured. I was relieved because it wasn’t a miscarriage but now very concerned because of what happened.
This situation made us realize we needed the help of professionals. So we found an infertility doctor. First, they wanted to make sure my tubes were not blocked. So I had to have a blue dye injected in them while they ran some kind of test. Well, let me tell you, that was no walk in the park. I almost passed out from the pain. It was so horrible. But they told me that one of the tubes was blocked, but was not anymore. Hooray! I was stoked, now I would get pregnant. No such luck. After trying for a few months, nothing.
After a barrage of tests it was determined that I had Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome. Great, what the hell did that mean? It meant, lots of drugs and lots of blood work. But I wanted to have baby, so we started the process. I had to drive 20 minutes twice a week to get blood taken. They didn’t take appointments for blood work though, it was first come first serve. So this meant getting there before they opened at 6:00 am. I got there at 5:45 am. There was always a line waiting at the door…and I had to be at work by 7:10 am. This went on for a few months….drugs to start my cycle, drugs to ovulate, blood tests, and ultra sounds. My life was becoming consumed by infertility…and the drugs were making me a hormonal mess. We were on the third and final round of Clomid when my husband told me “I can’t do this anymore. You are a mess, these drugs are making you so hormonal. I don’t want a baby if this is what it takes.” Not really what you should say to a hormonal mess of a person!!! So I knew it had to work. I heard acupuncture was good for infertility, so I started that along with the last round of drugs.
There is a little more to the story…but it worked. The final round of drugs, blood work, and ultrasounds…worked! I felt amazing. I was pregnant!
As I look back on that moment and all the mommy moments that have followed over the past 6 years, I am thankful. I seriously can not express how thankful I am. I still tear up when I think about that first positive test, the first ultrasound seeing a baby, and the first time I felt my daughter kick. I am thankful for having gone through that experience. And I am even more thankful for it ending with a beautiful daughter! My second and third daughters were conceived without the help of a doctor. Go figure. I always say Nicki fixed me! Children are miracles…blessings even. They really are. Sometimes when they are driving me nuts I force myself to think back….to think back to those mornings of blood work, doctor visits, medicine, and tears. I remember how badly I wanted to be a mother…and here I am…for better or worse, I am their mommy. And for that, I am thankful.